Ramblings of a Mother's heart

"The Heavens Declare the Glory of God": Psalm 19:1

Today is difficult. Opening my eyes this spring morning, my first thoughts are of Joey and that deep aching was there in my heart and spirit. For me, the days leading up to the anniversary of his death are the days that are abysmally painful. Honestly, I did not want to get out of bed. Does it ever get any better? How can I do this? How can I live without my first-born son? I so desperately want him back! Can I ever face never having to see him again? It seems so insurmountable! One of my worse fears have come true. I lost a child. How can a mother ever live with that. If only I could hear his voice again. How sad I have to pull out an old family video to hear and see him again...glimpses of him. I just want to close my eyes and my heart and not face the day.

Here's my hope for today. God. He is my hope, my strength, my purpose, my refuge. He nudged me to get out of bed this morning. "For what", I asked. "For my Glory", He tells me. "You and I can do this....just let me and I'm there with you."

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength,

They will soar on wings like eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

When I first lost my son, I was overwhelmed to the point of giving up. God, in His infinite wisdom and grace showed me that wasn't an option. I was to continue and to live purposefully for Him. In that place, He would give me the strength to move forward, one day at a time. I have learned that in my weakest moments, He has been my greatest strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9: "My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

When I rely on Him totally, I have found strength that can only come from Him to make it through the day. In the knowledge that He is here with me gives me a peace that I cannot describe. To experience peace in the midst of loss is beyond comprehension.

For today, from not even wanting to get out of bed to face a day of painful grief and loss to experiencing peace in the midst of loss is God at work in my life. I am amazed at who God is. I love the quote in "The Purpose Driven Life":

"When you fully comprehend that there is more to life than just here and now, and you realize that life is just preparation for eternity, you will begin to live differently. You will start to live in light of eternity and that will color how you handle every relationship, task, and circumstance. " When I keep my eyes focused on God and eternity with Him, I am drawn closer to Him. He is all I truly need.

Joey, I deeply love you and even though I miss you so, there is peace knowing you are in God's arms.